WE all know a Liverpool fan.
I’ve sat next to one for the last few weeks in Robbie Slater, while he stood, unable to stand.
I’ve talked to many others. Lawyers, builders, Fox Sports colleagues.
These guys are successful people. They are completely sane.
The latter trait is being fully tested by their football team.
We’ve seen the full spectrum of human emotion from these people and by the end of the Chelsea game last Sunday, it was a world shrouded in gloom.
Destiny is no longer the possession of Liverpool, and given the way it quite literally slipped away, it’s fair to say the vast support of this famous football club is rather pessimistic about everything between now and May 11.
Wanting something so much leads to irrational thought. Is it really that bad?
To preview the next nine days, we’ll take both points of view – The Liverpool Pessimist, and the Neutral Realist.
Note. The Liverpool Pessimist uses ‘stern’ adjectives so have cleaned this up as much as possible for the purposes of decency.
MANCHESTER CITY, 3rd 77 pts – Everton (a), Aston Villa (h), West Ham (h)
The Liverpool Pessimist
They will ****** crush Everton, who won’t be giving it a full crack because they don’t want us to ****** win it.
****** bastards.
Then City will ****** smash Aston Villa next week.
****, they’ll just need nine men to beat that shower of *****. Then they will obliterate West Ham, because as angry as Big ****** Sam will get with a toilet performance, what do they bloody care, they’re all on holidays at full-time.
Yaya Toure will be in beast mode, like some kind of cross between Terminator, Robocop and Pele. Sergio Aguero will score three hat-tricks. AND WE WON’T BE ABLE TO DO A ****** THING ABOUT IT.
The Neutral Realist
Everton have only been beaten twice at Goodison this season - by Sunderland and Crystal Palace, which, like much of this season, makes no sense at all.
Speaking of no sense – the notion Everton will lie down so Liverpool CAN’T win it. If you believe that, check in with the Flat Earth Society, they are recruiting.
The Pessimist is probably right about the other two, though Villa do lift for this season’s Big Four, with wins against Arsenal, Man City and Chelsea and a draw at Anfield.
And what if Andy Carroll scored a 93rd minute equaliser at Etihad. Would that repay the monolithic mistake of 35 million transfer pounds from January 2011? It would be a header stuck into the mixer from halfway. Let’s be real here.
CHELSEA, 2nd 78 pts – Norwich (h), Cardiff (a)
The Liverpool Pessimist
They won’t use that bus from Anfield last week after it got written off against Atletico Madrid.
Even if Manuel Pellegrini’s mob do choke, Captain Time Waster and his band of merry men will ****** give it to Norwich this weekend, then go to South Wales and send that sorry clown Vincent Tan back to the Championship. You see Cardiff against Sunderland?
Sorry, but six points from six for Jose, which makes our life as ****** unbearable as a peak-hour commute stuck behind two buses.
The Neutral Realist.
Yes, Chelsea will beat Norwich, and they will beat Cardiff.
They are the two lowest scoring teams in the Premier League and Chelsea has the best defence by nine goals.
Sorry Liverpool, but win your games and what Jose does isn’t an issue anyway.
LIVERPOOL, 1st, 80 pts – Crystal Palace (a), Newcastle (h)
The Liverpool Pessimist
This is going to be the longest of long weekends. We have to ****** wait, and wait, and wait. We even have to wait through ****** Monday. We’ll go to bed Monday night but not sleep. Imagine sleeping through the ****** alarm.
All to see what a manager in a baseball cap, who has preached a mixed-martial art of football and the rugby codes in the past, does with his lot Crystal Palace.
To be fair, they’ve scored some cracking goals, Palace. That Jason Puncheon, if he does more of the same against us, might just have to do what his name says with a wall.
What about their form?! ****!!!
And as for Newcastle on the last day. Well. They suck. Never mind, haven’t thought that far ahead.
Why does it have to come to this? We should have beaten Villa, Southampton, West Brom.
What’s happened to Luis Suarez? Glen Johnson. Coutinho. Mignolet, any danger of not treating crosses like the ball has leprosy? Stevie, long studs!! Sturridge, how’s the hammy, is it OK? It’s OK, isn’t it?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhh.
The world could end on Tuesday.
The Neutral Realist
Calm. Down.
Luis Suarez, he’s player of the year for a reason. True, he’s in his most barren stretch of four games, goals and assists wise (one of each), but class just drifts away, it doesn’t vanish. Voted Player of the Season by his peers surely helps a little.
Daniel Sturridge looked a player who hadn’t trained much when he came on against Chelsea, his touch unable to cope with the hectic surrounds of a team chasing a game. A full week of training does wonders for that.
Those two click again, no matter how good Pulis sets up his of late excellent team, they won’t cope for 90 minutes, provided Mignolet shows a little more ability on those crosses.
As for Newcastle, Liverpool has scored 82 goals against them, the most against any in the Premier league era.
Newcastle has scored one goal in six games, conceding 17 times. Alan Pardew got told to beat it by the local paper this week. They hate Anfield, scene of heartbreak and embarrassment.
If it’s back in Liverpool hands by the last day, they win the Premier League.
Put that in your pessimism pipe and smoke it.
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